Why should I buy a cigarette?
A Karen would tend to answer this question with: “You should not! It gives you throat cancer.” The Karen would also add that cigarettes stink and are just damn disgusting! Well, Karen, we are not talking about those little white things you smoke orally. We are talking about 30 to 50 feet of sex appeal and gas bills consisting of at least four digits.
The main danger concerned with the high-performance cigarette-style racing boats of which I speak is the limitation on how many women you can fit on board. They are just what politically-correct America needs right now! Indeed, a cigarette boat opens up a world that leaves the Karens to cry in their milkshakes…an escape to the sound of pure freedom.
These go-fast light-weight watercraft are typically long and narrow styled-boats outfitted with as much horsepower as possible in the rear, usually via a high-outputting in-board motor. Not only are their motors loud, their paint colors are even louder! Indeed, cigarette boats are the show-stoppers wherever you go. With prices ranging from expensive to even more expensive, these vessels are in a class unto themselves.
Sure, you can buy a center console if you’re about taking the wife and kids out to get some snapper, or maybe tuna and the occasional billfish. But, opt for the cigarette boat, and you and the boys (or girls depending on how good you are) can attend Poker Runs, Races, and Sand Bar Kickbacks. Hop on the ICW (Intracoastal Waterway) and just go flat out till your face can’t handle it anymore. These Poker Runs go from places like Miami to Key West, Destin to the Orange Beach, where you can pick up poker cards from beautiful half-dressed women along the way. It’s a party for days straight with the rumble of horsepower doing the job of music in headphones. I apologize….I got carried away writing about my glimpse of how heaven looks!
A couple of weeks ago, I joined a “Cigarette Racing Team” Facebook group because I want to buy one. Not only is this speed boat a world of fun, it is a lifestyle of common-minded people doing common-minded things. Through my “research,” what I have learned out of it is– do what you love. Enjoy the freedom of speed. Sure, there’s the maintenance headaches. She (your boat) might not work sometimes, or she might make the wrong noise. I’m sure your cigarette might even complain if you listen hard enough. But, come on, guys. Some of you reading this have already made the choice to get married. I’m sure you can find some of the same benefits and challenges, and I can assure you, she (the boat) won’t decide to sleep with your friend!
Reading and trying to soak in what these guys are saying, I sprouted a thought: Why don’t I ask the fine gentlemen who own cigarette boats why NOT to buy one?
These were some of the answers:
“Gotta take ibuprofen every time you take it out because of cheekbone pain from smiling too much.”
“You’ve got to put up with always being harassed by locals about how cool your boat is.”
“You may experience moments of mild depression in between trips.”
“There’s no good reason to NOT get one. Get her and go!” (This owner went on to explain that he got lots more hers thanks to his boat, too). His exact words were, “We all know it’s a penis extension.”
LIVE THE DREAM! BREAK THE MOLD!
PUT THE THROTTLES DOWN AND ENJOY!
I’LL SEE YOU SOON ON THE ICW.
Stay tuned! Future posts from Young Aficionado Chase Dalton will include his reviews on more boats as well as cars, watches, cigars, art, photography, wine and spirits. As an avid huntsman and fisherman, Chase will also cover sports travel.